Giselle

( cut for painting size )

I'm not explaining.

My mobile went missing, I can't get a hold of Inks or Svit or Val. But has anyone found that sketchbook of mine? I don't think I lost it here. But hell if I know now.

I don't have any paintings to show you all, I'm sorry. I've been working on some private things for the collection here and I don't want to share. Otherwise, I'm just same old me. Nothing new to report, nothing new going on, still just here and happy. That's enough for me.

Shit. I just did something and now I can't move. Someone fucking fix me. Until such a time, I'll be in bed trying not to hurt.

( Painting )

Ugh. I've got to get out of this feeling. Things are turning too dark in my head for some unknown reason. I don't even know why, I'm not upset or anything, just something feels weird. I blame my brother.

Julian, I'm sorry if it's going to be a bit loud and smoky down stairs for a bit. I'm stuck on a painting and need to work it out somehow and apparently I smoke a lot more when I have to actually think. And Marius just sent me a new album of his and wants me to work out the cover art for it, so I have to listen to it to get a feel even if I'm not the biggest fan of it all. But, have to support the brother that is somewhat trying or something. Anyway, come dig me out of my hole if I'm not wandering around in a few hours or so.

Julian, I just got booked for another show in a few weeks. Mui claims that everything will be great, it's actually going to be sponsored by her with my works that relate to her clothing this time. Which means, I have to actually work on a few things that match Mui's line instead of the other things that I have working already. I guess that isn't too horrible, it's just some colours and at least I can mix everything into my work now. I haven't felt this at ease in ages.

I'm walking again tomorrow, just one show for some Russian woman I don't know. But, um, I have some tickets if anyone wants to see it. It'll only last about an hour but, Mui thinks I'll be good. So, who knows.

Does this thing still work? It was stuffed under a locked chest in Elle's old room here. Been trying to owl her for weeks to get her to clean out this place, Mum is trying to shut down the manor to save some money. Not that we really need to, but she's getting old and strange. If anyone sees my sister, can you let her know that her things are still here and most likely going to be destroyed if she doesn't claim them. I can only hide them for so long before Mum starts digging around more.

Maria sent me a pack of photos from my time in New York, don't I look just well rested and happy? I'm feeling quite a bit better than yesterday, still a slight bit off but I'm getting better now that I'm eating again. Don't take old potions, just...don't.

It was nice though, to hear it all. Even if it was just the potion. I guess the worry that it was just the potion is making me sicker. Not that I'm going to say anything about that. I'll just take another one of those damn pills and see if it stops everything from hurting. Just, things seem a little strange. Like I'm living two lives at once.

Versailles is really pretty, I don't know why I didn't come here more often before I moved here. I think once I feel better, I'll go see if I can wander around the Château. I've always, always wanted a house exactly like Petit Trianon. The gardens and everything. It was one of those things that I thought I'd get when I got older and inherited my families money, of course that isn't going to happen now. Oh well, just a stupid childish desire that I'm over these days. Not everyone can be royalty or rich, some of us have to scrape up the bottom rung of society. And many of us like it there. I used to dress up as Marie Antoinette when I was younger, of course my family never cared and it was always just out of sheets and flowers I found outside. I guess the nannies just allowed it because they felt I needed something to do. I didn't know the end of the story, you know the Revolution and all of that, just the pretty Dauphine and then Queen. After that, my story books cut off.

I guess that could be a bit telling for everything. Life just doesn't like to talk about the bits that are bad. Leaving the stories off before things turn bad and before things turn out worse. It's better to lie, to leave things out, than to tell children about the Revolution. About how things around have changed. How someone ran through every money possible and left a nation to starve. I wonder what they'll write about us in a few years? What children stories will come out of this war? What will be left out? Please tell me I'm not the only one that thinks about these things.

While I was sick, I finally put down my pastels and picked up the Christmas present my brother, Marius, sent me. El club Dumas by Arturo Pérez-Reverte. I just started it a few hours ago, but I already don't want to put it down. Yes, I know, a pureblood that has extensive knowledge of books is rare. One that reads more than ancient hexes and curses even more so. Before you all start to attack me because you feel that's 'so untrue', shut up I don't care. The generation I grew up in, females were known to be quiet, stupid almost, sitting around and pretending to care when all they want to do is host parties and have an heir. To stand beside their husband and smile. Fuck that. I've devoured books from a young age, something few people knew about me really. Wasn't one of those things that Dorian thought was necessary. Anyway, Marius sent me a second edition in Spanish. My Spanish isn't the greatest, but it's about as good as my English, which as you can see, is pretty decent. It's really amazing. The main characters name is Lucas, so that's throwing me a little, but it's still pretty good.


I think this is the most I've written in awhile. Maybe it's all the potions, maybe I just want to talk, does it matter? Most of you won't read all of this anyway.

( Hexed Private to Self...breakable if one really tries )


I'm having a really great time.

I sold every painting. That's never happened before. I'm not sure what to say about it other than my head is killing me still.

I have to go on a casting tomorrow. In New York. At eight thirty am. I'm hopping a portkey from Milan at seven. Julian, you don't have to come with me, I can come back to France or Italy or where ever when I'm done. Or you can come with and we can camp out at my flat there. Doesn't really matter where, I just want you around. So you pick the place and I'll work something out. Svit, you want to meet me in New York? You can tag with me to castings and see if there are any hot male models for you to score on, or at least I can try to set you up. Julian, you are more than welcome to tag along as well but I can't promise you'll have much fun with Svit drooling over every piece of flesh and me walking in a circle and trying to catch a cab.

Oh and Maria pushed up the show to a week from now in Moscow and Mui wants me walking by then. I'm going to pull my hair out in a few minutes, please pay me no mind.

I love you Maria and Mui! Three bags. Three! I've got my advance which is far too much of an amount to say here and I get one percent of the sales of each bag. I don't even know what to say about it anymore. I have so much work piling up that I'm not going to be able to leave the two places I'm going to be painting at. Dex is going to have to accept the fact that I'm taking an extended break. Julian, we really need to celebrate this.

( Another one )

Painting is just another way of keeping a diary.

[entry speckled with tear stains]

How can I go from one extreme to another? Why? It's....it's all my fault.

( The first painting for her show )

Only tortured souls can be artists. And I know no one as tortured as I am right now.

Paris is quite a bit nicer than I remembered. But I'm out of colbalt. So I have to head to the store. Julian, you want to come with me? I can't promise anything exciting as it is just a paint supply store but we could grab coffee or something while we are out.

St. Petersburg has too many memories and too few people that I care to be around. Why in the hell did I want to come here? God, I miss him. That's just wrong. Why didn't I say anything? Anyway, it's for the best. I can't get tickets back out until sometime next week so I'll be braving the snow alone. Forgot a jacket, I'll have to buy a new one somewhere. I'm headed off to the cinema, I feel like watching something bloody. Especially after today.

It's an important and popular fact that things are not always as they seem.